There’s a very obvious reason why I feel uncomfortable with tonight’s theme – The Year You Were Born. Being born suggests that your parents may nave had sex at some stage. Please don’t tell me we’ll be doing a The Year Your Parents Were Born theme because that might suggest that your grandparents had sex and I don’t think I can handle that.

I hear it’s going to be like an Idol family album tonight. Baby photos? Aw jeez, why? I feel like we’re still in the honeymoon period of Idol 2006 and everyone knows that the baby photos don’t come out until things get serious. Still, it should be gratifyingly embarrassing and uncomfortable. I love to cringe. I skip the canteen and opt for popcorn, eliminating a likely bout of meningococcal, and settle in next to an over-excited Ricky fan whose sweat glands are working overtime. Can’t Impulse throw this chick a complimentary can of deodorant? I don’t care which Groove she is, as long as she improves her personal hygiene.

Damien’s had some dance lessons at the Johnny Young Talent School during the week. He’s mastered the handclap, the stomp and the soft-shoe shuffle. Riverdance is just a hop, skip and yawn away. The dude was in a metal band, so where’s the grunt? Where’s the pulse? Close your eyes and it’s all good but there’s a major reinvention required here. Marcia loves it but Mark looks like his undies are riding high. He’s got that ‘I’m just about to rip the heart out of this kid’ look. And he does.

Seriously, Ricky Muscat is NOT doing Down Under! Surely not. Dude, listen to it as you sing it. It’s daggier than a rotary club. Oh hang on, that back-up singer is hot! See? Ricky easily lost my attention. I love his voice but after seeing his penis, he really had to make it up to me, and failed to do so. Kyle calls it the lamest song ever. Somewhere, in a quiet room, the original members of Men At Work are having a group hug as they weep. What am I talking about? They’re getting royalty payments for this. I have absolutely no sympathy for them. Especially since I just got another cheque for $4.50 from APRA.

Either Jess Mauboy is a Swans fan or she’s had a rough day. I’ve never seen her look so unhappy and stressed. From Touchdown to touchy, Jess isn’t her usual bubbly self. I’ve heard rumours of illness and I’m worried about my fave gal. I begin to fidget nervously. But she only drops one tiny note and you can see the relief on her face as the audience applauds. We discover that she’s got a scratchy throat. I told her not to eat the Caesar Salad; those croutons can be fatal. Kyle wants a ‘wow song’ and I agree that Jess could have chosen a better track – something like Shaddup Your Face.

I spent a whole week’s pay on my Bobby Flynn Sportsbet wager and goddammit, I’m not letting go of that $20 bucks! Come on ya lovable freak – paint your eyes a weird colour, get a vest on and sing the absolute pants off an 80s classic from two metrosexual pioneers – David bowie and Freddie Mercury. If Freddie’s moustache was allowed into heaven, I bet he’s flashing his bucked teeth as he smiles, looking down at the Idol stage. Bobby is back, rewriting Under Pressure on the fly and scaring the absolute crap out of me. He’s a strip of blue makeup away from failure but just when I think we’re in for another bomb, he shows that he is Da Bomb! I love you Bobby Flynn (sob sob) I love you!

Lisa Mitchell does that 90s classic, The Joker. Hang on, if that was a 90s hit, I must be younger than I think. Let me see – if I was singing that at age 10, that makes me… 26 years old. Awesome. Now, if I can just get rid of these premature signs of aging, I’ll be happy. Lisa looks at ease but this performance isn’t exactly compelling. Hmm…there’s that back-up singer again. Oh no, Lisa’s lost me. Can she get through this entire series without hitting one huge, spectacular, spine-tingling note? I doubt it. But with a cute factor of #11 she’ll come close. Daddy Holden bows to Lisa’s Jedi Mind Tricks and just nods. He doesn’t want to judge her; he wants to adopt her.

Finally someone does a Bon Jovi song. Thank you, Dean Geyer. Personally I think Idol could benefit from a Bon Jovi theme night. Dean works the crowd, the band, the audience and the very excited microphone stand. He’s charismatic, vocally strong, supernaturally hot and… a virgin. I knew there had to be something I was better at! Kyle gives an example of what sex might look like if it involved a beer gut and Marcia’s left shoulder. This may be the worst ‘birds and bees’ talk in the history of sex education. Don’t listen to ‘em Dean. Google it.

Mutto’s looking sharp but can’t seem to shake the hair(less) style. It looks like 5 caterpillars square dancing on his scalp. Dream On is a crap song. I don’t care that Eminem stole the hook and made it a hit. But Mutto knows how to include the crowd. We may as well start seating folks on the stage because Mutto never uses it. Having dry-humped Marcia’s left shoulder; Kyle spreads his legs, hoping for a Mutto lapdance. Our outspoken judge must be in the doghouse. He seems particularly toey tonight. Someone must have slipped Viagra into his coffee mug. Mutto should either be banned from promiscuous activity or the two of them should get a room.

Lavina looks fantastic tonight. Okay, Sheridan, let’s lock this look in. It’s magically feminine. Did someone sneak laughing gas into the studio? Lavina hits impossible notes and gets less applause than a hip shake from Dean Geyer. What’s wrong with you people? What does she have to do? I’m not sure if Kyle has ever walked up to a large man and disrespected his tatts. I’ve got a feeling he’d be eating through a straw for several weeks if he tried that. You don’t diss a permanent marking. That’s like laughing at someone’s birthmark. What’s she meant to do? Wash it off with a bit of nail-polish remover?

Last week, Chris Murphy hid behind a microphone stand. This week he looks like going to launch one through a television screen. He must have eaten the pesto. Nothing can make you run faster than canteen food. Chris is part Bon Scott, part Zoolander. He loves the band so much, he shapes up to hit them. Chris says something that can’t be played on national television and small children start crying. Banners drop, mothers cover their children’s ears and me? I love it! I’ve never seen such blatant disrespect for convention. Sid Vicious would have been proud. Bravo, you deranged screaming lunatic. Bravo! Then our producer tells me that he didn't swear at all. Talk about a roller coaster ride. I guess good old fashioned family values win again. Dammit!

The Idols require a few tweaks after tonight’s show. For some it’s just a minor matter. Jessica just needs a lozenge, Bobby needs makeup remover and Mutto needs a pair of clippers. But Dean’s sex education and Lavina’s skin graft may be a little more involved.