'American Idol' Hicks: You're kidding, right?
TOM ALESIA Wisconsin State Journal
talesia@madison.com
Prematurely gray-haired, pudgy and oddly as hyper as a puppy, Taylor Hicks likely will win "American Idol" on Wednesday night. The 29-year-old southern bar singer, who apparently hasn't heard a new album since vinyl faded, managed to capture America's big 'ol goofy heart.
Simon Cowell, puh-leese, you have one more chance to verbally throw axes at Hicks tonight. Hurry. America is about to crown Hicks -- who recalls those scary years when Bruce Willis and Jim Belushi sang in public -- as its musical pop-culture king.
I realize taking "American Idol" so seriously makes me an intellectual lightweight. To those who tsk-tsk "Idol" obsession when there's war, famine and other atrocities, I say ... you're right. Hey, Fox, start a show that lets us vote each week on whether we should stay at war and I'll dial my preference until my finger bleeds.
But I digress. Hicks, after all, is a soulful singer in the way that a McRib is real barbeque. For weeks, he has performed an onslaught of super-popular ditties, "Jailhouse Rock" to Lionel Richie's "Easy." His most wrenching moment occurred when he sang "Play That Funky Music" -- you know, "Play that funky music, white boy."
Unless restrained, Hicks dances wildly through the crowd. He can't dance, but America mistakes this enthusiasm for showmanship. So he moves as fluidly as if he just stepped on a nail.
Even worse, his song choices always are cop-outs. On "country night," eight "Idol" contestants chose contemporary tunes. Hicks opted for John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads," a major pop hit in . . . 1971.
Three weeks ago, the five finalists were asked to perform a song from "today's charts." While the others picked tunes by Mary J. Blige, the rock band Shinedown and current hitmakers, Hicks sang the Beatles' "Something." Time warp, folks: "Something" was the Fab Four's single between "Hey Jude" and "Let It Be."
On the same show, now Hicks' final remaining opponent, Katharine McPhee, blessed with limitless vocal potential, picked newcomer KT Tunstall's obscure gem "Black Horse & the Cherry Tree." McPhee sang it so well that "Idol" watchers launched Tunstall's album up the charts.
It's probably too little, too late. American viewers, apparently becoming as ditzy as Paula Abdul has acted this season, favors vanilla.
